Transfer Tips
First, Master the Content - That means not only do you have to be able to recognize what works and why, but you have to generate new scripts of your own.
Do something. Years ago, Dale Carnegie recommended that you read his now classic How to Win Friends and Influence People one chapter at a time. Then, once you finished the chapter,
he suggested you go out and practice what you learned from it. We agree. Pick a chapter you found relevant (possibly one with a low score in your Style Under Stress test) and read it again. This time, implement what you learned over a three- to five-day period. Look for opportunities. Pounce on every chance you get. Step up to the plate and give the skills a try. Then pick another chapter and repeat the process.
Discuss the material. When you first learn something, your knowledge is "pre-verbal." That is, you might recognize the concepts if you see them, but you're not able to discuss them with ease. You haven't talked about them enough to make them part of your functional vocabulary. You haven't turned the words into phrases and the phrases into scripts. To move your knowledge to the next level, read a chapter and then discuss it with a friend or loved one. Talk about the material until the concepts come naturally.
Teach the material. If you really want to master a concept, teach it to someone else. Stick with it until the other person understands the concept well enough to pass it on to someone else.
Second, Master the Skills - You must be able to enact these new scripts in a way that is consistent with the supporting principles. As it turns out, simply understanding a concept isn't enough. While it's helpful , even necessary to talk the talk, you have to be able to walk the talk. You have to be able to say the right words with the right tone and nonverbal actions. When it comes to social skills, knowing and doing are two different animals.
Rehearse with a friend. Start by rehearsing with a friend. Ask a colleague or coworker to partner with you. Explain that you'd like to practice the skills you're learning. Briefly discuss the skill you'll be attempting. Provide the details of a real problem you're facing. (Don't include names or otherwise violate privacy issues.) Next, ask your friend to play the role of the other person and practice the crucial conversation. Ask your partner to give you honest feedback. Otherwise you could be practicing the wrong delivery. Remember, practice doesn't make perfect; perfect practice makes perfect. Insist that your practice partner hold you to a high standard. Make sure you're constantly improving.
Practice on the fly. You're going to be holding crucial conversations at home and at work, or you wouldn't have bought this book in the first place . So practice the skills you've been reading, teaching, and rehearsing. If you have children, hardly a day will pass that you won't have a chance to practice. Start immediately. If you wait until you're perfect before you give something a try, you could be waiting a long time. To make it safe, pick a conversation of only medium risk. Trying out something new is hard enough without applying it to a monumental problem.
Third, Enhance your Motives - You must want to change. This means that you have to care enough about improving your crucial conversation skills to actually do something. You have to move from a passive sense that it would be a good idea to change, to an active desire to seek opportunities. Ability without motive lies dormant and untapped.
Apply incentives. Start with the obvious. Use incentives. For example, people going through self-help courses are often encouraged to put their money where their mouth is. Every time they fulfill an assignment, they're given back a portion of their tuition. On the other hand, if they don't step up, it costs them. When incentives are added, results improve fairly dramatically.
Apply disincentives. You might consider disincentives as well. Take a look at what went on at Stanford a few years back. Subjects who were trying to lose weight were asked to write a donation check to an organization they despised. These checks were then set aside, never to be mailed unless the subjects failed to live up to their goals-at which point five hundred dollars was sent to Americans for Nuclear Proliferation or something equally distasteful to the subject. As predicted, subjects did better when they used disincentives.
Go Public. Let others know that you're trying to routinely hold crucial conversations. Explain what you're doing and why. Over half a century ago, Dr. Kurt Lewin, the father of social psychology, learned that when subjects made a public commitment to do something, they were more likely to stay the course than if they kept their wishes to themselves. Tell people what your goals are. Get social pressure working in your favor.
Talk with your boss. If you want to take it a step further, sit down with your boss and explain your goals. Ask for his or her support. If you want to put some real teeth into your goal, build your plan into your performance review. As a leader, you're almost always asked to pick one "soft area" listed on your performance review forms and work on it. Select dialogue. You might as well tie your plans for improvement into the formal reward system. Align your personal, family, and organizational goals to a single goal-improving your dialogue skills.
Remember the costs; focus on the reward. Perhaps the most predictive piece of social science research ever conducted was completed with small children and marshmallows. A child was put in a room and then told that he or she could have either one marshmallow now or two if he or she was willing to wait until the adult returned in a few minutes. The adult would then place one marshmallow in front of the child and exit. Some of the children delayed gratification. Others ate the marshmallow right away. Researchers continued studying these children. Over the next several decades, the children who had delayed gratification ended up doing far better in life than those who hadn't. They had stronger marriages, made more money, and were healthier.3 This willingness to do without now in order to achieve more later turns out to be an all-purpose tool for success. How did the children who were able to delay gratification fight off their short-term wishes? First, they looked away from the scrumptious marshmallow that sat in front of them. No use torturing themselves with the vision of what they couldn't have. Second, they kept telling themselves that if they waited, they would get two, not one. What could be simpler? As you step up to a crucial conversation and wonder if it's really worth trying out something new and untested, remind yourself why you're trying new skills in the first place. Focus on improved results. Remember what happens when you fall back on your old methods.
Fourth, Watch for Cues - To overcome surprise, emotion, and scripts, you must recognize the call to action. This is usually people's biggest obstacle to change. Old stimuli generate old responses. if a problem doesn't cue your new skills, you'll return to your old habits without even realizing you missed a chance to try something new.
Mark hot spots. People who go through stress-reduction training learn to mark physical items that are closely linked to their sources of tension. People who freak out in traffic put a small red circle on their steering wheel. Individuals who are constantly in a rush put one on their watch. When it comes to the tough conversations you face, you might want to make use of small visual cues as well. Place one on the computer that spits out results that drive you nuts. Build a cue into your copy of the agenda of any meeting that typically serves up tough problems.
Set aside a time. Perhaps the best way to remind yourself to use your new skills is to set aside a time each day to walk around in search of both successes and problems. When you see a success, celebrate. When you encounter a problem, bring your best dialogue tools into play.
Read reactions. If you're not doing a good job of holding crucial conversations, the results are going to be right in front of you. If you see that you're getting off track, back up and start over. Use real-life cues (e.g., the other person's jaw tenses, he or she clams up, etc.) to remind yourself that maybe it's time to try a new tactic. If necessary, apologize. Move to an earlier place in the discussion and follow the process.
Build in permanent reminders. Order a poster of the model, place it on the wall, and look at it each morning as you start the day.
Carry a reminder. Along with the poster, order a set of cue cards you can tuck into your purse or shirt pocket.
