Difficult Conversations

by Marlene Chism

Difficult Converstaions text

In all of life, personal and professional, conflict is inevitable. You've got to deliver bad news, apologize for a mistake, ask someone to make a change or even end an important relationship or partnership. These moments all require conversations and these conversations are difficult. So how do you go about handling these conversations? It's been my life's work to explore and answer these questions. My name is Marlene Chism, and I'm a consultant specializing in helping people build better relationships and become effective communicators. In this course, we're going to change the way we view conflict. We'll take a look at what makes a conversation difficult? We'll talk about the power structures at work. I'll even give you a model to follow when you're in that difficult conversation. And finally, how to check for resistance with a magic phrase. So, if you've got a difficult conversation ahead of you, you have a real opportunity here. Let me show you how to initiate, engage in, and navigate through difficult conversations.

A new way to view conflict

by Marlene Chism

A new way to view conflict text

Conflict, whether at home or in the workplace, is just a part of life. And we all deal with conflict differently. Some of us avoid conflict at all costs, and other of us deny ever having any conflict. Then there are those who think they're great at it, but they're perceived as harsh and lacking compassion. I think the struggle we have with conflict has to do in part with how we define and how we view conflict. Without a conscious awareness, we tend to view conflict as a win-lose situation. It's my way or the highway, or it's her way or nothing at all. Personal: he or she wronged me. Or even a prolonged power struggle with one or more people, whether it be a constant fight or a daily struggle. One moment on the defensive, and the next to on the offensive. And you know, this notion of conflict isn't entirely wrong. If we look at the definition of conflict, we read that it's a serious disagreement or an argument, typically long lasting. No wonder most of us struggle with conflict. Who in their right mind would volunteer for a long lasting argument or disagreement? That doesn't sound like much fun. But I wanna challenge that. What if we saw conflict as an opportunity to grow both personally and professionally, a chance to increase understanding, and a method of achieving the mission? If we view conflict through these lenses, then we can address the situation sooner and with more ease. Little while back I worked with an executive who was avoiding a performance conversation with his marketing manager. From his point of view, his marketing manager kept undermining his authority. She would go above his head to his boss to get her requests filled instead of coming directly to him. In fact, he noticed a budding friendship developing between his marketing manager and his own boss. The executive took it personally. In his mind, he was in a three-way power struggle between his direct report and his own boss. It really affected him to the point that his own productivity suffered. So can you guess what his solution was? He was planning on firing the marketing manager. He saw no other option. Can you see the win-lose thinking here? After some coaching, I helped this executive see the situation for what it was: an opportunity for his personal growth and a chance to bring clarity about everyone's roles and responsibilities. Most of all, it was a way for this leader to realign everyone to the real mission of the organization through the power of a difficult conversation. In the end, the executive initiated two difficult conversations: one with his own boss and one with his marketing manager. He realized this important truth. If you aren't having some conflict, it probably means you aren't really growing. Conflict is going to happen, but with the right mindset and the right skills, we can use conversation to quickly course correct and get back to business.

Story of a Difficult Conversation

by Marlene Chism

Story of a Difficult Conversation text

I had been in the same job for about 20 years, and I was desperately seeking something more. So I was this late bloomer going back to college to finish a degree, and I started finding my love of communication and I wanted to be a professional. And I started with the foundation, which is to create a mission for my life's work, and that was to improve communication and relationships everywhere. The only problem was I had a boss that I perceived to be a bully boss. Needless to say, I was very intimidated, but there was this little voice in my head that said, you have to start where you are and see if you can't work with someone that you find to be difficult. And so I got my chance not too long after that. And what happened was I was scheduled and approved for a day of vacation. The day before that vacation day was up, I opened the door, I said, hey, I'll see you Monday. And he looks up at me and says, "What, we're running "extra lines tomorrow, I need you." And I gasped and I felt his discomfort. Then I immediately said, "Well, that's okay. "Maybe I can go ahead and work." Now secretly, I was hinting and I was hoping that he would say, no, no, no, my fault. But no, he took me right up on it and he said, "Absolutely you can work, I need you." And I walked out and I was a little bit angry, but I'm working on myself. Now, I was in a coaching group at this time. And so I brought this up that evening in my coaching group. And I said, "And here's what happened, "and now I have no other choices." And the coach said, "Oh, you have a lot of choices." And I said, "Well, one choice is I could go back "to work and talk bad about my boss "and everybody would agree with me." And she said, "Yeah, that would give you social proof." I said, "Well, I could call in sick. "That would teach him a lesson." But that doesn't go along with where I'm wanting to go in my mission. And she said, "I think you have another choice, "and that's to address the issue "with your boss in the morning." (exhales sharply) I could fill my heart just pound. It was so scary. But I thought about it. And the next morning, I got up early. I clocked in 30 minutes early and I went right into my boss's office. And I opened the door and I said, "I wanna talk to you within the next 30 minutes. "It needs to be private and I need you to listen." And he said, "Go ahead." And he was multitasking, he was working on things, pulling out file folders. And I said, "No, I need you to pay attention, "and I need you not to yell." And now he rolled his chair back, he took a pause, and he's looking at me. And I said, "You know, I was dishonest yesterday "and I just wanna own that." And he said, "What happened?" And I said, "You know, I told you it was okay "that I come in today, but I need today off. "I have a weekend class at college, "and I need the time to prepare, "and I was scheduled to be off." And he said, well, you should have, and you, and the voice got loud, and I took this breath and I said, "What should I have done, because I'm here to learn." And he backed up and he said, no, no. He said, "I was wrong, but we're just busy, "we're running extra lines." And I said, "Would you be willing, I've already clocked in, "but would you be willing to try to get someone "to take my place and then I'll just clock out "and not take vacation?" And he said, he said, "Well, I would try to do that, "but I'd have to pay someone time and a half." And I said, "Absolutely, are you still willing to do it?" He said, "Well, I'll try, "but I'm not gonna guarantee anything." I walked out to the line, my heart was just beating. I sit down, and I was so excited. And while I was thinking about feeling so good about it, here comes my boss and he says, "I've got someone to come in at 10 o'clock, "and if that's soon enough, I'll take your place, "and you can go now." And I was so excited because I realized that there is power in taking full responsibility for the relationships in your life and the conversations and that old habits can change, and when you do your inner work, a lot of times you see shifts in other people as well.

What you should never do in a difficult conversation

by Marlene Chism

What you should never do in a difficult conversation text

The executive director of a nonprofit was disturbed by the decision his board of directors had recently made. Their decision meant he had to initiate a difficult conversation. So what did he do? He made a passionate and compelling case by email. When the board president got the email, she interpreted it as threatening and she forwarded the email to the other eight board members. And in turn, they joined in the discussion via email offering their own strong opinions and arguments. What started out as a simple email became highly charged, and the more people added to the thread, the higher the intensity. You and I can avoid a lot of the drama and difficult conversations if we can just understand what to do and what not to do. First, control your emotions and never initiate a conversation when you're overly emotional. It's okay to feel emotions. Your emotions tell you that a conversation needs to happen. But you've got to time it right. Once you calm down, you're in a better position to initiate and engage in a difficult conversation. If you find yourself upset, wait until you've had some time to think about your desired end result. Second, talk face to face and don't use electronic or digital communication to engage in a difficult conversation. I realize that writing can be a lot easier than talking when we're upset. The urge can be pretty strong to hide behind an email when emotions are hot. That's alright. But resist the urge to send that email, text, or chat. Instead, try writing or journaling about your emotions. Digital communication is never appropriate for discussing performance issues, arguing, pointing out someone's flaws, or defending yourself. And, if someone triggers you with their email, don't take the bait. Don't forward the email to others and don't seek other opinions, and don't defend yourself. Just don't respond. Ask for a face to face meeting. If that's not possible, ask for a phone meeting. Third, seek understanding and avoid finger pointing. The go-to response when you're angry is to blame the other person, and blame often comes from our assumptions. But assuming wrong intentions and blaming the other person will only make them defensive. You can't really bully your way into collaboration. Wait until you have an opportunity to hear this person's point of view before you make them the enemy. Fourth, stay focused and don't get distracted. You've probably been engaged in a conversation that took a wrong turn. Chances are, you got distracted, you forgot your objective. When we get distracted, we argue about the past and non-relevant issues. The way to stay present is to keep your end result in mind so that you avoid any temptation to get off track. So, going back to the example between the executive director and the board president, things could have gone a lot smoother for the executive director if he'd asked for a meeting instead of using email to state his case. When the president read the email, she should have picked up the phone instead of forwarding the email and involving so many opinions. When we use good judgment in highly charged situations, we can turn chaos and drama into collaboration.